Hey everybody! Welcome to Nox Reads, I'm "Nox", and as an English major, I had to read Book Six of Le Morte d'Arthur, to which I reply what the heck was going on?
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This is a new little segment I'm going to call School of Thought, because it sounds incredibly educational and formal, but isn't. I think it would be funny to rant about the books I have to read for school while ranting in an incredibly informal way. Why? Because it amuses me. Think Drunk History but for books (but not Thug Notes, because I'm not that cool). These are going to be heavily spoiler-filled. You have been warned.
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TRIGGER WARNING: Gore, mentions of necrophilia (it's a weird one), death
Book Five of Le Morte d'Arthur focuses on Sir Lancelot, one of Arthur's most famous and "loyal" knights (because*spoiler* this is the same dude that SLEEPS WITH HIS KING'S WIFE. NOT COOL DUDE). Pretty much what happens is: Lancelot gets bored at Camelot, calls up his buddy Sir Lionel, and tells him that he wants to go on an adventure. Lionel says why not, and the two ride away (apparently without telling ANYONE, like their KING) into the sunset. Lancelot pulls a Rip Van Winkle and falls asleep under an apple tree while Lionel keeps watch. Of course, once Lancelot falls asleep, stuff hits the fan.
Lionel sees this knight take down four others, take their horses, and tie them up. Since this is obviously not cool, Lionel goes to confront the knight. Does he think about waking up Lancelot, the one who's super famous and known for being a boss? Of freaking course not, because what kind of story would we have if he did? So Lionel gets his butt handed to him, and Evil Knight kidnaps him and the other four.
SOMEHOW Lancelot sleeps through all of this, and four queens find him in the woods. They look at him, notice that he's, ya know, Lancelot, and since they have magic, decide to knock him out MORE and take him to one of their castles nearby. Honestly don't think they had to knock him out considering what he just slept through, but to each their own. The girls take him back to the castle (which belongs to Morgan Le Fay), toss him in the dungeon, and when he wakes up, they tell him he has to choose between them or spend the rest of his life in the dungeon. Of course he's like nah, they lock him up, he gets freed after making a deal with a princess, saves the other knights, etc.
Lancelot keeps on having adventures, kicking butts and taking names. Eventually he sees a lady and her dying brother, Sir Meliot, and they send him on a quest to the Chapel Perilous for a sword and piece of cloth that's meant to heal him. And of course, nobody's ever survived going to the chapel. Why? Because tropes exist, even in Middle English lit.
This is where we reach my favorite/the creepiest part of the book. Lancelot walks into the chapel and the statues guarding the front just part for him like he's Moses or something, and as he walks to get the sword, a sorceress named Halliwes pops out. Below is a totally not-imagined, completely verbatim transcription of this conversation.
I'm not even kidding. The exact line is "But sithen I may not rejoice thee to have thy body alive, I had kept no more joy in this world but to have thy body dead." And THEN homegirl goes on to say that she'd embalm him, and cuddle and make out with his mummified body. All of this, of course, to spite Queen Guenevere.
Lancelot just turns around and leaves with his stuff, and fourteen days later Halliwes dies of rejection. Say what you want about overreacting, but how many of you have gone and died because you got rejected? And I bet you didn't even threaten to MUMMIFY them.
There are a few more stories: Lancelot gets tricked into climbing a tree to save a lady's falcon (saving a bird...from a tree...) and a lady gets killed by her husband right in front of him, so the husband has to wear her head around his neck until he gets to Camelot, and Guenevere forces him to carry her body with him all the way to the Pope to ask for forgiveness, all the while only allowing him to stop for at most a day at a time, and sharing a bed with his wife's body.
Arthurian lore is weird as heck, man.
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So this is what I studied in class! I hope you all enjoyed this School of Thought post! I'm excited to share more of these! I'm curious, what do you all think of Halliwes? Despite how weird it is, I love the story. Also, isn't Halliwes such an awesome name for a sorceress?!
Thank you for reading! Have a great day, and please follow the blog for more posts!
~Nox
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a new little segment I'm going to call School of Thought, because it sounds incredibly educational and formal, but isn't. I think it would be funny to rant about the books I have to read for school while ranting in an incredibly informal way. Why? Because it amuses me. Think Drunk History but for books (but not Thug Notes, because I'm not that cool). These are going to be heavily spoiler-filled. You have been warned.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TRIGGER WARNING: Gore, mentions of necrophilia (it's a weird one), death
Book Five of Le Morte d'Arthur focuses on Sir Lancelot, one of Arthur's most famous and "loyal" knights (because
Lionel sees this knight take down four others, take their horses, and tie them up. Since this is obviously not cool, Lionel goes to confront the knight. Does he think about waking up Lancelot, the one who's super famous and known for being a boss? Of freaking course not, because what kind of story would we have if he did? So Lionel gets his butt handed to him, and Evil Knight kidnaps him and the other four.
SOMEHOW Lancelot sleeps through all of this, and four queens find him in the woods. They look at him, notice that he's, ya know, Lancelot, and since they have magic, decide to knock him out MORE and take him to one of their castles nearby. Honestly don't think they had to knock him out considering what he just slept through, but to each their own. The girls take him back to the castle (which belongs to Morgan Le Fay), toss him in the dungeon, and when he wakes up, they tell him he has to choose between them or spend the rest of his life in the dungeon. Of course he's like nah, they lock him up, he gets freed after making a deal with a princess, saves the other knights, etc.
Lancelot keeps on having adventures, kicking butts and taking names. Eventually he sees a lady and her dying brother, Sir Meliot, and they send him on a quest to the Chapel Perilous for a sword and piece of cloth that's meant to heal him. And of course, nobody's ever survived going to the chapel. Why? Because tropes exist, even in Middle English lit.
This is where we reach my favorite/the creepiest part of the book. Lancelot walks into the chapel and the statues guarding the front just part for him like he's Moses or something, and as he walks to get the sword, a sorceress named Halliwes pops out. Below is a totally not-imagined, completely verbatim transcription of this conversation.
Halliwes: Heyyyyy Lancelot. You're looking cute today, why don't you come give me a kiss?
Lancelot: ...I'm good, thanks.
Halliwes: But like, I've loved you for seven years, and look! I made this super cool chapel for us, just me and you...and Gawain, but me and you! Why won't you kiss me?
Lancelot: ...yeah like I said, I'm good thanks.
Halliwes: Well [and this is where things get weird] if only you had kissed me, then I would be able to control you. But since I can't have you alive, then I guess my only choice is to have you dead.
I'm not even kidding. The exact line is "But sithen I may not rejoice thee to have thy body alive, I had kept no more joy in this world but to have thy body dead." And THEN homegirl goes on to say that she'd embalm him, and cuddle and make out with his mummified body. All of this, of course, to spite Queen Guenevere.
Lancelot just turns around and leaves with his stuff, and fourteen days later Halliwes dies of rejection. Say what you want about overreacting, but how many of you have gone and died because you got rejected? And I bet you didn't even threaten to MUMMIFY them.
There are a few more stories: Lancelot gets tricked into climbing a tree to save a lady's falcon (saving a bird...from a tree...) and a lady gets killed by her husband right in front of him, so the husband has to wear her head around his neck until he gets to Camelot, and Guenevere forces him to carry her body with him all the way to the Pope to ask for forgiveness, all the while only allowing him to stop for at most a day at a time, and sharing a bed with his wife's body.
Arthurian lore is weird as heck, man.
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So this is what I studied in class! I hope you all enjoyed this School of Thought post! I'm excited to share more of these! I'm curious, what do you all think of Halliwes? Despite how weird it is, I love the story. Also, isn't Halliwes such an awesome name for a sorceress?!
Thank you for reading! Have a great day, and please follow the blog for more posts!
~Nox
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